Stuart Bachelor

Thomas Jefferson once wrote “On matters of style, swim with the current, on matters of principle, stand like a rock”. Our esteemed Chairman clearly thinks this dangerously liberal nonsense, as he chooses to remain rock-like on both counts. His unique sartorial style was developed by others around the turn of the 20th century and adopted as his own during his time as an apprentice tailor on Jermyn Street. Engulfed in pipe-smoke he appears to have missed the intervening hundred or so years, to the point where calling him old-fashioned would be a waste of the perfect opportunity to use the phrase Edwardian throwback.

Always immaculate with the gloves behind the stumps, he would be a first choice keeper in a much stronger side than ours. Unfortunately for the purists, Stuart now prefers to delegate the keeper’s duties so he can focus on skippering. This requires enormous concentration on his part as he likes to keep the batsmen on their toes by setting a brand new field, quite possibly never before seen in cricket, to every ball. To further underline his creative genius Stuart has also managed to invent a new fielding position known as lollipop from which unknown reference point all other fielders are now set. Anyone who knows how to find this position is asked to contact the team immediately, as the method we’re using at the moment is to stand roughly where he was looking when he said it, on the grounds that the bugger will be too busy deciding where to move you for the next ball to notice you’re not where he originally wanted.

At bat Stuart has been the rock of the team for many years now, with the majority of Demijohns wins featuring at least a powering fifty from him in the middle order. His batting style may not be straight out of the MCC coaching manual, but bottom handed or not it is mightily effective and his form just seems to get stronger with every passing season. The only thing that might slow him down is being forced to buy a new bat, as the one he has used since childhood is now mostly made of fibreglass tape and if he adds much more will surely become illegal.

MD, Feb. 2012

Social Secretary
Adam Darling

When bowling, Adam shows the same deadly control of line and length as a novice flycaster, which only serves to make his occasional lethal swinging delivery on the stumps all the more effective. Opposition batsmen are particularly advised to watch out for the very, very, very full delivery – ducking is usually advisable.

As a batsman he follows the dictum make hay while the sun shines – which explains the big agricultural swings, presumably executed on the basis that he won’t be at the crease for very long so any fortunate contact with the ball must be made to count.
Off the field Adam is permanently in must. Nevertheless, when released by his money-hungry mahouts he has a tendency to stampede straight for the bar. It is for this reason, rather than any actual organising skills, that he has been appointed the team’s Social Secretary.

MD, Feb. 2012

James Heaton (‘Roger’)

The only cricket-playing member of his family (Ursidae), Roger swings it both ways and bowls at what many opposition batsmen have described as a nice pace. Roger is also famed for his ability to facially replicate the Dulux Pinks, Reds and Violet colour chart whilst bowling. The general consensus is that he is most dangerous at around Mulberry Burst, which usually occurs near the end of one of his lengthy 4-over spells.

MD, Dec. 2011

Tour Manager
Sam Jones

As a left-handed bat Sam naturally favours the cut shot, which he has now developed to the point where he can, and does, play this shot to absolutely anything.
In the field his running has been likened to bambi on ice and somewhat more inventively to an escaped giant sw4stika rolling across the greensward – usually accompanied by cries of “JONES!” in a cod subcontinental accent from the rest of the team (derivation unknown). His looping spin, annoyingly for the author and more pertinently the opposition, is occasionally effective.

Off the field Sam is the team’s accoutrements rep and deals in all things fashionable (provided they’re blue, brown and gold). Want a cravat? A tailored jacket or a pair of trendy tour socks? Sam’s your man. Often mistaken as being good with colours, Sam is in fact not. He’s colourblind – which may explain why the tour caps last year were bright orange.

MD, Feb. 2012

Fixtures Secretary
Jonathan Snicker

A debonair statesman of the old school variety and smooth as the stroke of a pen signing an alumnus’ cheque, Jonathan is a DJs and St John’s stalwart. With looping spin that has left many a batsman looking foolish, he has taken several five-fors and is a constant threat at first or second change. Couple that with a quicker ball that is almost as surprising as his appeal, taken straight from the moves of Tony Manero, and it is easy to see how Jonathan remains one of the DJs’ most successful predators.

SJ, Dec. 2011